English - annotated exemplars level 2 AS91101 (A)

Produce a selection of crafted and controlled writing (2.4)

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This annotated exemplar is intended for teacher use only. The student work shown does not always represent a complete sample of what is required. Selected extracts are used, focused on the grade boundaries, in order to assist assessors to make judgements at the national standard.

Low Excellence

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 1 (PDF, 38KB)

For Excellence, the student needs to create an effective, crafted and controlled selection of writing that commands attention.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas effectively and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience engagement.

This student has effectively developed, sustained and structured ideas about what it means to be a young New Zealander in a multicultural society. The student does this by developing, sustaining and consolidating her understanding that legal confirmation of citizenship is not needed to validate her own sense of belonging (5) (7).

The student has built on the idea by providing relevant and often striking details (4), and structuring her compelling journey of discovery and awareness of her own cultural duality around the parallel journey through the day of the citizenship ceremony (1) (3).

The student has used appropriate language features to command attention by establishing and sustaining a distinctive personal voice that engages audience’s interest and empathy (1) (2) (6). There is a sustained, articulate and accurate use of effective language features, including first person narration, sentence variation and specific and relevant vocabulary choices and descriptions (3) (4) (7).

For a more secure Excellence, the student could craft the second half of the narrative to produce more syntactical variation, rather than the repetitive ‘I stand’, ‘I have sung’, ‘I chuckle’, etc.

 

High Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 2 (PDF, 34KB)

For Merit, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is convincing.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas convincingly and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience interest.

This student has convincingly developed, sustained and structured ideas about New Zealand’s negative self-image. There is a well-researched examination of the factors behind New Zealanders’ feelings of anxiety about their place in the world and shows how this attitude manifests itself in society (2) (3). A well-reasoned case for New Zealanders to take more pride in themselves as a nation (4) (5) has been developed.

This student has used appropriate language features to create convincing effects by deliberately selecting appropriate language features to produce a precise and accurate piece of writing that is articulate in places. First person point of view (both singular and plural) has been used to sustain an encouraging rather than didactic tone (1) (4).

To reach Excellence, the student could develop and sustain a more compelling argument by varying the format of statement followed by listed examples. The language could be crafted more effectively by limiting the use of exclamation marks.

Low Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 3 (PDF, 49KB)

For Merit, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is convincing.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas convincingly and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience interest.

This student has convincingly developed, sustained and structured ideas about a trip into the countryside. The student sustains the suspense in a structured and clear build up to the narrator’s jump into the river (3) (4) (5).

This student has used appropriate language features to create convincing effects by deliberately selecting appropriate language features to create meaning and effects (1). A credible, personal voice for the narrator (6) has been developed, and realistic dialogue between the friends (2) has been created.

For a more secure Merit, the student could further develop and sustain some ideas, such as ‘completely at a loss’, ‘she knows where we are going’ and ‘a wild goose chase’. Some of the imagery could be clarified or further developed, such as the comparison with Icarus, and  the ‘looking glass’ attributes of the water.

High Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 4 (PDF, 35KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has developed, sustained and structured ideas about teenage driving. The student has done this by building on ideas through the connection of the title to the closing sentence (1) (10) and by combining action and reflection within the anecdote so that the central idea is generally reasoned and clear (6) (7).

This student has sustained the idea by explaining, commenting on and giving examples of negative and unfair reactions encountered because of teenagers’ age and limited experience (4) (5). Some suspense has been created by delaying the outcome of the test with the reflection on nervousness (8).

This student has used language features appropriately and accurately to create effects. The student has done this by deliberately using a mix of humour and serious reflection (2) (4) (5) (10).

To reach Merit, the student could further develop and sustain some ideas, such as ‘they were my age once weren’t they?’ and the unfairness of stereotyping. There could be a more deliberate use of language features in some sections in order to capture and sustain audience interest convincingly (2) (9).

Low Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 5 (PDF, 33KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has sufficiently developed, sustained and structured ideas about the User Friendly Shakespeare Company’s production of King Lear. The student has done this by building on ideas about the aspects of the play which appealed or did not appeal to the teenage audience (2) (8) (5).

This student has used language features appropriately and accurately to create effects. The student has done this by deliberately selecting language features to create meanings and effects (1) (4).

For a more secure Achieved, the student could provide further examples and/or details to support some statements (3) (6) (7).

High Not Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 6 (PDF, 88KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has begun to develop, sustain and structure ideas about his father by developing the idea established in the first sentence (1) about his father as somebody who commits himself whole heartedly to whatever he does (4). There are details of his father as a demanding but respected coach, a man of principles who works hard, plays hard and loves his sport (3) (4).

This student has provided some evidence of language features used to create an effect. The student has done this by deliberately selecting some of his father’s expressions (1) (6) and selecting vocabulary that reflects a personal voice and tone (5) (4).

To reach Achieved, the student could use more descriptive detail to craft the lists and recounts into experiences (7) (8). The content could be structured within each paragraph so that the ideas are connected (9). There could be a selection of language features and vocabulary to create specific effects and meanings (2).

 
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