English - annotated exemplars level 1 AS90052

Produce creative writing

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TKI English Assessment Resources

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Low Excellence

Commentary
Student response

Student 1 (PDF, 20KB)

For Excellence, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas effectively in creative writing
  • use language features  appropriate to  audience and purpose with control to command attention in creative writing.

This involves a compelling and well-organised development of ideas and structure. The writing should communicate with an original and sustained use of language features, demonstrating a distinctive personal voice, a range of dimensions or viewpoints, and the accurate use of writing conventions.

The student develops and structures ideas effectively in a piece about a soldier. The ideas are compelling and well organised. The narrator builds up a compelling portrait of the elderly soldier by describing the setting and his physical appearance (1). This is effectively linked to the old man’s memories and the idea of time (2).

The student uses language features that command attention. War imagery is sustained throughout the piece (3), sentence variation is effective (4) and balanced sentences and contrast are used effectively (5).

For a more secure Excellence, the images could be further developed, focusing on these details for longer than one sentence each.

High Merit

Commentary
Student response

Student 2 (PDF, 20KB)

For Merit, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas convincingly in creative writing
  • use language features appropriate to audience and purpose with control in creative writing.

This involves the generally credible and connected development of ideas and structure. The writing should select and link language features to the purpose and audience, and demonstrate the accurate use of writing conventions.

The student develops and structures ideas convincingly in a piece about his/her Grandad. Credible ideas are developed through the narrator’s feelings (1). These are connected to the Grandad’s actions (2). Ideas about the character are built upon, and are credibly connected to, the description of the garden (3) and Grandma’s actions (4). This gives the audience a clear sense of the type of person Grandad is.

The student uses language features such as selection of vocabulary with control (5), linking to the intended purpose (portrait of Grandad) and audience. The use of humour is the beginning of a distinctive personal voice. Stylistic features and written text conventions (including spelling, punctuation, syntax and grammar) are generally accurate.

To reach Excellence, the language features used need to command attention. This can be achieved through: 

  • improved sentence variation (a number of sentences start with ‘He’, and there is an overuse of simple sentences and run-on sentences)
  • more precise vocabulary selection to replace phrases such as ‘He was going a bit deaf’, ‘pretty much acted’, ‘not a single weed to be seen’, ‘You see his house was’.

Low Merit

Commentary
Student response

Student 3 (PDF, 20KB)

For Merit, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas convincingly in creative writing
  • use language features appropriate to audience and purpose with control in creative writing.

This involves the generally credible and connected development of ideas and structure. The writing should select and link language features to the purpose and audience, and demonstrate the accurate use of writing conventions.

The student develops and structures ideas that are generally credible and connected, by describing a treehouse firstly from a child’s perspective, and then again from the same narrator, after several years have passed. The piece is structured by the different timeframes, and ideas are connected by linking and contrasting details such as the railings (1), the view (2) and the contents of the treehouse (3).

The student uses a variety of language features with some control. Vocabulary is selected to link to the idea of how the tree changes with time (4), and imagery of the tree house as a castle (5) links to the child’s perspective.

For a more secure Merit, there should be a more credible description of Winnie The Pooh in the second paragraph. The vocabulary selection in the phrase ‘faint smile…fainter memories’ is not consistent with the phrase ‘the same bright eyes and wide smile’ in the final sentence.

High Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 4 (PDF, 20KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas in creative writing
  • use language features appropriate to audience and purpose in creative writing.

This involves building on a single idea by adding details or examples, linking that idea to other ideas and details. The writing should use appropriate vocabulary, syntax, stylistic features and written text conventions without intrusive error patterns.

The student develops and structures ideas about the river Avon, day and night. Ideas are built through the description of the wildlife on and in the river (1), the human activity during the day (2) and nature during the night (3). The sensory qualities of movement and stillness are used as a contrasting link between the two timeframes. The repetition of the cat’s actions in both timeframes (4) provides a structural link.

The student uses language features appropriate to the audience and purpose, and at times demonstrates control through:

  • vocabulary selection that provides sensory qualities (5)
  • some variation of syntax
  • accurate use of written text conventions (including spelling, punctuation, grammar).

To reach Merit, the ideas need further development beyond the one sentence description of each item of the scene.

Low Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 5 (PDF, 21KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas in creative writing
  • use language features appropriate to audience and purpose in creative writing.

This involves building on a single idea by adding details or examples, linking that idea to other ideas and details. The writing should use appropriate vocabulary, syntax, stylistic features and written text conventions without intrusive error patterns.

The student develops and structures ideas about camping (1) and the changes that a flood brings to a favourite camping spot (2). Details are added and linked by using different timeframes.

The student uses language features that are generally appropriate to audience and purpose. Vocabulary is selected to create a sense of place (3). Written text conventions are used without intrusive error patterns.

For a more secure Achieved, the student could use language features more appropriately, for example:

  • more precise selection of vocabulary to replace the repeated use of ‘nice’ and phrases such as ‘set to go’ and ‘awfully long time’
  • syntax: alternate phrasing could be considered to avoid run-on sentences
  • punctuation: use of commas could be developed.

High Not Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 6 (PDF, 20KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas in creative writing
  • use language features appropriate to audience and purpose in creative writing.

This involves building on a single idea by adding details or examples, linking that idea to other ideas and details. The writing should use appropriate vocabulary, syntax, stylistic features and written text conventions without intrusive error patterns.

The student structures a description of Alicia. Ideas are expressed, beginning with the narrator’s impressions of the character’s appearance (1) then focusing on the narrator/character conversation (2).

The student begins to make language selections to describe the character’s appearance (3). Errors in the use of written text conventions are evident, but do not form an intrusive pattern.

To reach Achieved, the student needs to develop ideas by building on and linking the character description, dialogue and the narrator’s thoughts. There is not yet sufficient linking between these ideas to create a character portrait.

The student also needs to use language features more appropriately, for example:

  • selecting imagery that better characterises a young woman, replacing ‘smooth as a peach with no wrinkles or lines’, ‘Waves in her hair…were like the tide’, ‘she hadn’t had a filing’
  • reworking the description to remove inconsistencies, e.g., ‘powerful legs and big calve muscles’, ‘looked to be very lady like’
  • syntax variation could be developed beyond the use of simple, loose sentences.
 
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