English- annotated exemplars level 2 AS91101 (B)

Produce a selection of crafted and controlled writing (2.4)

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TKI English Assessment Resources

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This annotated exemplar is intended for teacher use only. The student work shown does not always represent a complete sample of what is required. Selected extracts are used, focused on the grade boundaries, in order to assist assessors to make judgements at the national standard.

Low Excellence

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 1 (PDF, 35KB)

For Excellence, the student needs to create an effective, crafted and controlled selection of writing that commands attention.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas effectively and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience engagement.

This student has effectively developed, sustained and structured ideas in a eulogy for Thomas Bryant. The student does this by developing and sustaining a compelling pre and post war portrait through contrasting details about Thomas Bryant’s personality (2) (10), his changed relationships (4) (9), his changed appearance (7) and his changed pastimes (3) (8).

This student has commanded the reader’s attention about the impact of war by structuring ideas through a narrator who is delivering a eulogy before a congregation (1). Personal details are effectively integrated with more general details to show how war impacts on all families (5) (6) (12).

The student has used appropriate language features to command attention by engaging the audience through the use of a distinctive personal voice (2) (13) and deliberately selecting language to reflect different viewpoints (7) (14).

For a more secure Excellence, the student could provide further insight into the mind of the man who had ‘always believed in the equal, fair treatment of others…’ (5) and who was now ‘not the man that left this village 4 years ago’ (11).

In order to make the piece more persuasive, the student could further develop exactly what was the ‘impression in between the lines’ (6), and how he ‘no longer fitted into daily life’ (9).

High Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 2 (PDF, 38KB)

For Merit, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is convincing.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas convincingly and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience interest.

This student has convincingly developed, sustained and structured ideas through an adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth. The student does this by modernising elements from the original story, e.g., the three prophecies (8) (10) (12) (14), so that it becomes a more relevant conflict between modern day motorbike gangs (2).

This student has structured the letter so that a sense of immediacy is created, with the opening and final words to Lady Macbeth in the present tense (1) (16). The chronological description of the conflict, with references and allusions to known characters and incidents (5) (11) (13) (15) helps to build and sustain the tension and suspense, up to the dramatic ‘P.S.’ at the end (17).

The student has used appropriate language features to create convincing effects, deliberately selecting vocabulary to create appropriate and effective imagery (4), a sense of place (2) and a sense of person through the use of appropriate asides (6) (16). Tension has been created through the use of balanced sentences (2) (3).

To reach Excellence, the student could further develop and sustain ideas about Mac’s conflicted state of mind to make the parallels more compelling. Some awkward sentences could be reworked to create a more commanding effect (7) (9) (11).

Low Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 3 (PDF, 34KB)

For Merit, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is convincing.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas convincingly and using appropriate language features to create meaning, effects and audience interest.

This student has convincingly developed, sustained and structured ideas about the fostering and adoption of children by same sex couples. The student does this by developing and sustaining a clear focus (2), and building to a reasoned and balanced conclusion (12). Relevant examples, statistics and research (3) (9) help to build on ideas.

This student has used appropriate language features to create convincing effects by deliberately selecting vocabulary to communicate the writer’s sense of conviction (2) (4) (10) (11). The use of language devices help to sustain the argument and maintain reader interest, such as rhetorical questions (6), emotive appeals (1), balanced arguments (7) and a balance of objective and subjective comments (5) (8).

For a more secure Merit, the student could further develop and sustain ideas about what makes good parents, and provide more evidence to support the New Zealand context (rather than using American data).

High Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 4 (PDF, 37KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has developed, and structured ideas about how the director establishes the ruthlessness of the Joker in the film The Dark Knight. The student has done this by building on the idea of the Joker’s ruthless nature, which allows him to exploit people (6) (7), his lack of loyalty (9), his lack of conscience (10) and connecting his actions to the dialogue (11). Relevant details about the mask help to sustain the idea (1) (2) (4).

This student has used language features appropriately and accurately to create effects. The student has done this by deliberately using repetition (9) (8) and crafting language features appropriately to create meaning and effects (12).

To reach Merit, the student could develop a broader view of ruthlessness by, for example, developing and sustaining  the idea of the similarity with terrorism (4) and by linking  the idea of the ‘green tinge’ ( 5) with that of ruthlessness. Some awkward passages (3) (5) could be reworked to create convincing effects.

Low Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 5 (PDF, 30KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to create a crafted and controlled selection of writing that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has just sufficiently developed, sustained and structured ideas in a profile about Eric Johnson. The student does this by developing and connecting ideas about how events in the man’s youth affected him as an adult (6) (9) (10), and by building on the ideas of the man as a soldier (4) (7) and as a family man (2) (3).

This student has used language features sufficiently appropriately and accurately to create effects. The student has done this by deliberately selecting some appropriate language features to reflect the nature of the man, such as ‘whispers’ (8) and ‘simply’ (11). There is some variation in syntax, such as balanced sentences (5), short and long sentences, and a mix of dialogue, description and exposition.

For a more secure Achieved, the student could re-work passages to improve syntax and tense use (1) (6). The student could also proof-read to correct minor errors.

High Not Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 6 (PDF, 34KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to construct and deliver a crafted and controlled text that is appropriate to audience and purpose.

This involves developing, sustaining and structuring ideas and using appropriate language features to create meaning and effects.

This student has begun to develop, sustain and structure ideas about the effect of institutionalism (1) on Brooks. The student does this by generally structuring the text so that each paragraph contains a new point and providing and sustaining some details about Brooks, and the fact that he is institutionalized (5) (6) (7).

This student has provided some evidence of language features used to create an effect. The student has done this by deliberately making some vocabulary choices to create meaning and effects (9), and generally using text conventions accurately so that the writing contains only minor errors.

To reach Achieved, the student could develop and sustain ideas by providing fuller explanations to connect the examples to the idea about the ‘effects that institutionalism can have on someone…’ (2) (3) (4) (8).

 
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