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English - annotated exemplars level 1 AS90053
Produce formal writing (1.5)
Show: All English exemplars
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Download all these exemplars and commentary (PDF, 5.3MB) |
Low Excellence
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard with Excellence, the student needs to:
The student’s piece about whaling develops and structures ideas effectively. The idea that whaling is wrong, and should stop, is built on and linked in a compelling, generally well-organised way. The student does this by:
The student uses a distinctive personal voice which commands attention. A variety of language features are used, such as direct address to the audience, and a variation of tone to support different dimensions, including emotive, factual and argument. Sentence structures are varied. Although there are minor errors with comma use, overall there is sufficient control of text conventions to be accurate. To meet this standard with Excellence more securely, the fourth paragraph requires further development of ideas, connecting the significance of the examples to the argument. For example, what does the sinking of the Ady Gil tell us about volunteers and whaling? |
High Merit
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard with Merit, the student needs to:
The student convincingly develops and structures credible and connected ideas about the cruelty of pig farming practices. The student does this by:
The student uses a personal voice that begins to capture attention. The use of emotional language and contrast between the reality of conditions and ‘childhood stories’ is generally sustained. To meet this standard with Excellence, the ideas need to be developed and structured so that they become perceptive and well-organised. The student could establish the main idea of the argument more effectively (1) by stating it at the start. The student could build a compelling argument by considering other aspects of commercial pig farming, for example, economic and legal. |
Low Merit
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard with Merit, the student needs to:
The student develops some credible ideas convincingly, by:
The student convincingly structures the idea that the driving age should not be raised through a progression of pros, cons, solutions, statistics, examples, opinions and discussion. Language features are generally used with control. They have been selected to link to the audience and intended purpose, and text conventions such as spelling and punctuation are used accurately. To meet this standard with Merit more securely, ideas could be developed and linked more convincingly. The student could link ideas about alternatives to raising the driving age, with the information about teen brain development, for a more compelling, well-organised and persuasive argument. Although a variety of language features have been used, there is some awkwardness of syntax in the first two paragraphs. |
High Achieved
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard the student needs to:
The student develops and structures the idea that homework is a problem for today’s learners (1). The introduction states the main idea, and uses details of the time it takes to link to the homework problem (2). The first paragraph develops positives of homework (3). The second and third paragraphs develop negatives of homework (4). These ideas are drawn together, and a solution is offered (5). The student uses language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose. To meet this standard with Merit, the ideas need to be developed and structured convincingly, so that the persuasive argument is generally credible and connected. The idea of time management problems (2) could be structured in one paragraph. Further development is required in the third paragraph to show a more convincing link between obesity and homework. The student could select vocabulary with more control, to replace phrases such as ‘they can’t handle’, ‘just forgetting it’, ‘languages which we do not use outside’, ‘may cause students to’. |
Low Achieved
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard, the student needs to:
The student develops and structures the idea that success in sport is not all about winning (1). Ideas are built on and structured sequentially, through examples of Olympic athletes (2) and high jump coaching (3), and quotations (4), so that they are working towards a planned whole. The conclusion generally draws together ideas and reinforces the argument. The student generally uses language features that are appropriate to the intended purpose and audience. To meet this standard more securely, the student could develop the idea expressed in the fourth paragraph that athletes find it difficult to "see success in terms of achieving their own goals”, and link it to the main idea. |
High Not Achieved
Commentary | ||
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To meet this standard, the student needs to
The student expresses the idea that bullying is not an issue in all New Zealand schools (1). Examples of bullying in schools are given (2), along with some details about technology use in bullying (3). The student begins to structure this idea by stating it in the introduction, expressing details or examples in body paragraphs, and repeating it in the conclusion. To meet this standard, the student needs to develop and structure ideas so that they are working towards a coherent whole. Details and examples need to link and build on the main idea. For example:
The student also needs to use written text conventions without intrusive error patterns. Further reworking is required to correct the errors of spelling, punctuation and grammar (3). |