English - annotated exemplars level 1 AS90053

Produce formal writing (1.5)

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Low Excellence

Commentary
Student response

Student 1 (PDF, 1.7MB)

To meet this standard with Excellence, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas effectively in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose, with control, to command attention in formal writing.

The student’s piece about whaling develops and structures ideas effectively. The idea that whaling is wrong, and should stop, is built on and linked in a compelling, generally well-organised way. The student does this by:

  • establishing the main idea by giving details of what whaling looks like, and listing the other ideas that will be developed in the essay (1)
  • giving details of whale habitat, and using statistics, examples and discussion to build the idea of the effects of the whaling industry (2)
  • offering viable solutions to using whale parts (3)
  • giving examples of boats involved in volunteer whale conservation (4)
  • drawing together the ideas in the conclusion, reinforcing the argument to ban whaling (5).

The student uses a distinctive personal voice which commands attention. A variety of language features are used, such as direct address to the audience, and a variation of tone to support different dimensions, including emotive, factual and argument. Sentence structures are varied. Although there are minor errors with comma use, overall there is sufficient control of text conventions to be accurate.

To meet this standard with Excellence more securely, the fourth paragraph requires further development of ideas, connecting the significance of the examples to the argument. For example, what does the sinking of the Ady Gil tell us about volunteers and whaling?

High Merit

Commentary
Student response

Student 2 (PDF, 37KB)

To meet this standard with Merit, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas convincingly in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose, with control, in formal writing.

The student convincingly develops and structures credible and connected ideas about the cruelty of pig farming practices. The student does this by:

  • establishing the topic with statistics about numbers and ages of pigs killed for food (1)
  • introducing the idea that pig farm conditions are inhumane (2)
  • giving a description and statistics to build the idea of the cruelty of pigs’ living conditions (3)
  • linking these living conditions to human experience (4)
  • explaining ways that people could take action to stop such farming practices (5).

The student uses a personal voice that begins to capture attention. The use of emotional language and contrast between the reality of conditions and ‘childhood stories’ is generally sustained.

To meet this standard with Excellence, the ideas need to be developed and structured so that they become perceptive and well-organised. The student could establish the main idea of the argument more effectively (1) by stating it at the start. The student could build a compelling argument by considering other aspects of commercial pig farming, for example, economic and legal.

Low Merit

Commentary
Student response

Student 3 (PDF, 1.1MB)

To meet this standard with Merit, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas convincingly in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose, with control, in formal writing.

The student develops some credible ideas convincingly, by:

  • giving reasons why the driving age should not be raised (1)
  • suggesting teens' brain development as a contributing factor in teen road crashes (2)
  • exploring both sides of the argument
  • offering solutions to combat teen inexperience in driving (3).

The student convincingly structures the idea that the driving age should not be raised through a progression of pros, cons, solutions, statistics, examples, opinions and discussion. Language features are generally used with control. They have been selected to link to the audience and intended purpose, and text conventions such as spelling and punctuation are used accurately.

To meet this standard with Merit more securely, ideas could be developed and linked more convincingly. The student could link ideas about alternatives to raising the driving age, with the information about teen brain development, for a more compelling, well-organised and persuasive argument. Although a variety of language features have been used, there is some awkwardness of syntax in the first two paragraphs.

High Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 4 (PDF, 33KB)

To meet this standard the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose in formal writing.

The student develops and structures the idea that homework is a problem for today’s learners (1). The introduction states the main idea, and uses details of the time it takes to link to the homework problem (2). The first paragraph develops positives of homework (3). The second and third paragraphs develop negatives of homework (4). These ideas are drawn together, and a solution is offered (5).

The student uses language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose.

To meet this standard with Merit, the ideas need to be developed and structured convincingly, so that the persuasive argument is generally credible and connected. The idea of time management problems (2) could be structured in one paragraph. Further development is required in the third paragraph to show a more convincing link between obesity and homework.

The student could select vocabulary with more control, to replace phrases such as ‘they can’t handle’, ‘just forgetting it’, ‘languages which we do not use outside’, ‘may cause students to’.

Low Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 5 (PDF, 1.2MB)

To meet this standard, the student needs to:

  • develop and structure ideas in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose in formal writing.

The student develops and structures the idea that success in sport is not all about winning (1). Ideas are built on and structured sequentially, through examples of Olympic athletes (2) and high jump coaching (3), and quotations (4), so that they are working towards a planned whole. The conclusion generally draws together ideas and reinforces the argument.

The student generally uses language features that are appropriate to the intended purpose and audience.

To meet this standard more securely, the student could develop the idea expressed in the fourth paragraph that athletes find it difficult to "see success in terms of achieving their own goals”, and link it to the main idea.

High Not Achieved

Commentary
Student response

Student 6 (PDF, 1.2MB)

To meet this standard, the student needs to

  • develop and structure ideas in formal writing
  • use language features that are appropriate to the audience and purpose in formal writing.

The student expresses the idea that bullying is not an issue in all New Zealand schools (1). Examples of bullying in schools are given (2), along with some details about technology use in bullying (3). The student begins to structure this idea by stating it in the introduction, expressing details or examples in body paragraphs, and repeating it in the conclusion.

To meet this standard, the student needs to develop and structure ideas so that they are working towards a coherent whole. Details and examples need to link and build on the main idea. For example:

  • how does the paragraph about the growth of bullying and higher levels of violence support the main idea that it is not a big issue in schools?
  • how does the paragraph about new technology that plays a main part in bullying support the conclusion that it is not an issue in schools?

The student also needs to use written text conventions without intrusive error patterns. Further reworking is required to correct the errors of spelling, punctuation and grammar (3).

 
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