English - annotated exemplar level 3 AS91475 (A)

Produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas (3.4A)

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This annotated exemplar is intended for teacher use only. The student work shown does not always represent a complete sample of what is required. Selected extracts are used, focused on the grade boundaries, in order to assist assessors to make judgements at the national standard.

Low Excellence

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 1 (PDF, 790KB)

For Excellence, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing, which develops, sustains and structures ideas and commands attention.

This involves demonstrating a sophisticated understanding of purpose and audience through the insightful selection and integration of ideas, language features and structure to create a striking whole.

This student has produced a fluent and coherent narrative short story about teenage friendship, which sufficiently commands attention. Sustained ideas about conflicting tensions in relationships have been integrated with effective structures to create a striking whole. The opening comments catch the reader’s attention, and are developed and sustained throughout the narrative using repeated melodrama metaphors (3) and reprised in the closing comments. 

A range of language features are effectively integrated to create a sustained and immediate impression of the short story ‘slice in time’ (1) personal reactions, and observations (2). This becomes a striking whole by integrating ideas of tension in teenage friendships through use of language features throughout, such as syntax (4), diction and original phrases (5), and an ironic twist at the end (6).

For a more secure Excellence, the student could ensure that the selection of language features, e.g. syntax and diction choices (7), are consistently fluent and striking.

High Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 2 (PDF, 725KB)

For Merit, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas, and is convincing.

This involves demonstrating discerning understanding of purpose and audience through the discriminating selection and integration of ideas, language features, and structure.

This student has produced a fluent, coherent and convincing dramatic monologue about the disillusionment of teenage romantic dreams. The ideas are sustained and structurally integrated through the description of dreams (1), ominous descent to the underworld (2), its grim conditions (3) and the character’s growing resentment and anger (4).

There is a discriminating selection and use of language features such as alliteration, imagery, syntax, and both formal and colloquial diction (5). The writing begins to command attention with the integration of classical, fairy tale and New Zealand cultural references (6), and the contrast between ideals and reality (8).

To reach Excellence, the student could insightfully integrate effective ideas by identifying the promises made by Hades that were ‘the death’ of the narrator. A more insightful selection of language to create effects and command attention could be made in places (9).

Low Merit

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 3 (PDF, 607KB)

For Merit, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas, and is convincing

This involves demonstrating discerning understanding of purpose and audience through the discriminating selection and integration of ideas, language features, and structure.

This student has produced a fluent and coherent short story adaptation of events in Macbeth that is sufficiently convincing. Ideas about the impact of Macbeth’s destructive actions on Banquo’s family are sustained and structurally integrated through the stages of Lady Banquo’s isolation, concern, horror and, finally, vengeful resolve regarding the absence of her husband and son (1).

This becomes a convincing and coherent text by the discriminating selection of language features such as use of the third person limited narrative viewpoint (2), sensory description (3), adapted integration of original events (4), a repeated witchcraft motif (5), and transitions (6).

For a more secure Merit, the student could make a more discriminating integration of ideas and structures through exploration of themes of grief and vengeance in addition to retelling the events in the play. The student could make a more discriminating selection of language to create effects (7).

High Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 4 (PDF, 630KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas.

This involves demonstrating understanding of purpose and audience. This is demonstrated through the development of linked ideas and the accurate use of structures and language features to create consistent meaning and effect for sustained interest.

The student has produced a fluent and coherent column about the dilemma facing modern women. This central idea has been sustained and structured by defining the ‘Superwoman’ issue (1), describing its impact on women (2), linking references to research (3) and recognising misplaced nostalgia for the 1950s (4).  Both sides of the dilemma are balanced in the conclusion (5).

Appropriate language features to create consistency in meaning and effect and to sustain interest are used by allusion (6), emotive language and repetition (7), and original, alliterative phrasing (8). This piece of writing sustains interest with some discrimination through the use of transitions and motif (10). 

To reach Merit, the student could explore the ideas and the significance of the films so that they become generally convincing, and integrate these with a discerning selection of language and structures, as required at (11).

Low Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 5 (PDF, 587KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas.

This involves demonstrating understanding of purpose and audience. This is demonstrated through the development of linked ideas and the accurate use of structures and language features to create consistent meaning and effect for sustained interest.

The student has produced a fluent and coherent short story portrayal of a character in a difficult relationship. The central idea that the character is trapped and controlled by her husband is sufficiently sustained and structured through gradual suggestions of increasing unease, denial and final humiliation (1), and revealing a façade portrayed by the character (2).

This becomes fluent and coherent by the use of structures and language features such as a shift in narrative perspective (3), sustained use of the third person pronoun suggesting the sinister presence of the antagonist (4), repetition, (5), and syntax (6).

For a more secure Achieved, the student could further develop fluency and coherence in use of the narrative viewpoint selected, and integrate this with further selection of accurate language and structures to create consistent meaning and effect for sustained interest (7).  

High Not Achieved

Commentary
Student work extract

Student 6 (PDF, 657KB)

For Achieved, the student needs to produce a selection of fluent and coherent writing which develops, sustains and structures ideas.

This involves demonstrating understanding of purpose and audience. This is demonstrated through the development of linked ideas and the accurate use of structures and language features to create consistent meaning and effect for sustained interest.

This student has produced an opinion column piece about the stereotyping, judging and rejection of people in our society.  A central idea is developed, structured and sustained by the use of anecdotal description (1), identifying and describing the issue and consequences of being judgemental (2) and challenging the reader to consider the impact of their actions on other people (3).

Selected language features, generally appropriate to column writing conventions, begin to create a coherent text. The student uses vocabulary and stylistic features such as pronouns, descriptive detail (4), rhetorical questions, repetition and anti-climax (5) and syntax (6). Personal reflection on societal issues (7) and integration of research facts (8) are used to develop and link ideas.

To reach Achieved, the student could develop fluency and coherence by editing for consistent meaning and sustained interest, and make further use of accurate language and structures (9).

 
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